Often the answers to the significant problems of our lives lie well outside the questions that we ask. This is both how and why they so frequently elude our search.
-Dralloc 2009

Oh the real sin is how many hold their lives hostage over insignificant transgression and refuse to live, until they’ve reached some, not arbitrarily defined but, poorly contrived level of worthiness.
-Dralloc 2009

I can’t help but notice that God’s sending mixed messages: His first invention was nudity, so you’re thinking “Oh, He loves His children,” but then He came out and said that fornication was a sin... He faked us again by allowing the “sex-in-marriage” clause... then showed His true colors by coming out with garments... It doesn’t seem like he wants us to be happy as much as He’d just like to be amused.
-Dralloc 2009

Women do lots of stuff instead of sports. They used to scrapbook, now they blog. Before that they churned butter.
-Dralloc 2009

Can you die of abstinence? It might be fatal; it feels fatal.
-Dralloc 2009

Abstinence is the bane of my existence.
-Dralloc 2009

It does not make you weak to struggle with things that are hard.
-Dralloc 2002

I’ve been fooled into believing that mistakes diminish who I am. I’ve felt that my virtues were hostage to my sins, but today I discovered that sin does not have that power. Today I saw who was responsible for my wasted potential, and the guilt has set me free.
-Dralloc 2009

I’ve lived in this world long enough to know that it’s not the sins, but the character that counts in heaven. Transgressions don’t hold you out; failure to be your best self does. Our culture puts the emphasis on avoiding sin instead of on developing talents and strengths. It is infinitely better to be good in the ways that matter than to have avoided the guilt of (perceived large) sin. Christ’s contribution is measure in who He was and what He did, not by what He did not do.
-Dralloc 2009

All men love boobs, but only real boobs love us back.
-Dralloc 2009

Religion provides both a reason to develop your best character and an excuse to release your worst. But it’s hard to say rather it’s made the world a better place.
-Dralloc 2009

If only Lucifer approached sin in the same straight forward overly simplistic manor that God’s servants suggest we avoid it, we’d have to stop calling it temptation and simply mention them as optional dark commandments.
-Dralloc 2009

The day that women started wearing scented lotions was pivotal in youth dating. Some of them smell like fruit smoothies! “Love Spell”? More like “Sweet Tooth”! But what they don’t seem to understand is that if you smell like candy, you only attract fat guys.
-Dralloc 2009

Well, it just comes off bossy when you tell people what to do.
-Dralloc 2009

Lots of people are afraid of crossing that line just once, because there’s no coming back. But what they fail to realize is that once you’ve crossed that line you’re on the other side.
-Dralloc 2009

That’s the nice thing about drunk driving: the last time you do it, no hang over.
-Dralloc 2009

I have to laugh at my own jokes, ‘cause sometimes I’m the only one.
-Dralloc 2009

Yeah, I’ve started losing my hair... but not evenly... Mother Nature’s just another woman who’s slighted me.
-Dralloc 2009

When it comes to blame, it’s always been easy for me to put God before man.
-Dralloc 2009

A small amount of regular effort can carry a man far in life.
-Dralloc 2009

I knew it didn’t look right when I wrote it, but when I sounded it out, it didn’t have that many letters in it.
-Dralloc 2009

When the next logical step in your life is to get cats, it’s time to call it quits.
-Dralloc 2009

There is not enough of me to fill the emptiness, because so much of me feels empty. The fountain of living water has been dry for years and my heart is a desert of dried foliage and cracked or cankered earth. There is little of me left alive.
-Dralloc 2009

It worries me that you might look into my soul and see what I see. My own shame has been too much.
-Dralloc 2009

Religion is a very deep part of me, but I don’t really believe in God.
-Dralloc 2009

I used to believe that God was the central aspect of religion, but now I understand that it’s faith.
-Dralloc 2009

If it hadn’t been so cruelly and permanently beaten into me that there is a hell, I wonder if I could have done the right thing for the right reason.
-Dralloc 2009

I understand the usefulness of religion in teaching human morals and social norms, but why must they force into us the idea of Hell? There are some of us, who, for no lack of trying, cannot see the Emperor’s new cloths, yet are still cursed with his nakedness.
-Dralloc 2009

Living principles is different than living a commandment driven life.
-Dralloc 2009

People faint a lot more faith than they have. They’ve really caused those of us who are honest about our beliefs a LOT of grief.
-Dralloc 2009

It’s not salad that I dislike; it’s lettuce.
-Dralloc 2009

Those who want to believe often do.
-Dralloc 2009

Free-dumb is really well named.
-Dralloc 2008

It’s because of people like me that they developed the Electoral College, but I think we can all agree that, that has failed.
-Dralloc 2008

Cleaning saps my will to live, leaving me in the type of despair that can only be cured by a nap. I wake up hours later pretending that I’m starting a bran new day in which I’ve done no cleaning...
-Dralloc 2008

I’m caught in the spiral between faith and emptiness. I talk to myself about finally committing to one or the other.... I’m certain that I’m deceiving myself. But, which is the lie?
-Dralloc 2008

Boredom is one of the most exhausting activities... maybe even more tiring than shopping....
-Dralloc 2008

God is real because I say he is, and for no other reason.
-Dralloc 2008

Adjectives and phrases like ‘god awful’ and ‘those bastards’ can bring vitality, whit or offense to a paper, making it captivating, charged or offensive. Nothing like a little brightly colored language to liven up a work of art!
-Dralloc 2008

The Lord looks on the heart indeed. If your heart longs for him he’ll be there; if you don’t want him to exist, He won’t.
-Dralloc 2008

Being truly happy is a sense of completeness, as if there were nothing missing from your life.
-Dralloc

Too much music, like television, can deafen you to your creative voice.
-Dralloc

I don’t need an eternity of punishment for my sins; I’m suffering for them right now.
-Dralloc 2008

Inviting girls to the activity... The down side is that it cuts out the farting; on the plus side it cuts down the gas.
-Dralloc 2008

Hygiene, it’s the next best thing to morality.
-Dralloc 2008

You guys don’t understand the commandment. It says “keep the Sabbath day holy.” It says nothing about Sunday! We get to chose which day we “take holy” -which has a far more fluid meaning than you guys are giving it.
-Dralloc 2008

That’s not true. People love my peer pressure!
-Dralloc 2008

I told ‘kenzie that she was devil’s spot, but that it was okay because I liked kids :)
-Dralloc 2008

When I’m asked if I think this next millennium will be one of faith or not I’ll reply that it will be, in one way or another. Most people are too stupid to live without God and even the intelligent are too needy to go it alone, while most atheists cower behind poor logic to avoid understanding. No, there are very few people whole enough to genuinely believe in anything, scientific or religious.
-Dralloc 2008

I hate when you need to, but have no one to talk to. I mean there’s God... but he might not exist.
-Dralloc 2008

Nudity, God’s first invention.
-Dralloc 2007

Often the stories people write are more of a confession than a creation.
-Dralloc 2007

Being gifted is a pre-disposition, not an ability.
-Dralloc 2007

I think running is the best way to start your morning, because after that your day can’t go anywhere but up.
-Dralloc 2007

Oh, she’s pretty. She’s just wholesome pretty. Like it doesn’t look like anyone would do anything immoral to her.
-Dralloc 2007

Some degrees don’t offer an education.
-Dralloc 2007

I’m doing a spiritual fast today. It’s where you don’t talk to God for a whole day.
-Dralloc 2007

When you focus on the solution instead of the problem your life will unwind, but in doing so remember that the solution will never be the problem itself. Heal the sickness, not the symptom.
-Dralloc 2007

People need to know, but it is more important that they learn. If my teaching robs accomplishment they listen. If it demands wisdom, they turn away. And so I’ll spend my life stupefying smart things and leave wisdom to Wild Bill Faulkner.
-Dralloc 2007

I’ll spend my life stupefying smart things.
-Dralloc 2007

If you need to know answers that you do not need to know, then you have a need that is not well expressed or at least misunderstood.
-Dralloc 2007

If someone asks you the kind of question that should be lied about, always lie.
-Dralloc 2007

I often times take heat in my writing fro how little is going on, but I’ve never once been accused of having little going on in my head.
-Dralloc

In the end we must conclude that the literary and philosophical works motivated by a life of fear will be valued only by those who fear life.
-Dralloc 2007

Do not look for rules; look for principles.
-Dralloc 2008

He speaks well, but communicates poorly.
-Dralloc 2008

Understanding poetry is easy. All you have to do is hold your pen over the parchment, say ‘I solemnly swear that I am up to no good’ and tap the poem once. Then it just reveals itself.
-Dralloc

Boobs are proof that God loves his children and wants them to be happy.
-Dralloc 2007

Of all the many things I’ve done in life, falling in love has been the most fun.
-Dralloc 2007

Sometimes it has cost everything, but it’s still not enough. Sometimes God chooses not to listen. Sometimes you’re alone and no one can give you company.
-Dralloc 2007

There are good people who waste their lives and there are people who are a waste of life.
-Dralloc 2007

Fear is not an adequate motivation for eternity.
-Dralloc 2007

As I stretch my mind it expands to include a greater view of reality.
-Dralloc 2007

It’s like the guy who’s trying to quit smoking, but he’s always got a pack that he can’t take out, just sitting in his pocket.
-Dralloc 2007

But I don’t know how to help people who aren’t looking for solutions. So many people are watching their lives like a movie instead of playing it as/like a video game. Some might argue that on the flat screen they are the same, but I tell you that although they both have plot in one you move by your own initiative. No, I tell you it is the difference of the world.
-Dralloc 2007

I envy you that. I hold to three experiences the way a castaway holds to driftwood in the ocean. I believe that there is a firm foundation below me, but I can’t feel the surface. I see you standing on the beach, solid grown benneth you and wish for your stability.
-Dralloc 2007

Fault and Accountability are not the same. People are and have always been accountable for far more than is their fault. In truth it matters not where the fault lies, but how and when the individual will own their lives in a way that can produce a positive change. You could spend your lifetime blaming, and many have, but you’ll be no closer to the person you mean to be. Finding fault is like knowing who built the road you are on. It may be nice to know, but it doesn’t change the journey before you.
-Dralloc 2007

People saying inspirational things when they’re not inspired is the cause of much offense in this world.
-Dralloc 2007

Just be careful you don’t beat someone to death with the almighty hand of God.
-Dralloc 2007

You would choose Heaven over your friends?
-Dralloc 2007

Na, women aren’t fairminded.
-Dralloc 2007

It has been suggested that Truth is relative. This, however, is not the case. Truth is absolute. Understanding is relative. Before we can apply this principle we must have a moment of clarity. And why do we suppose that is?
-Dralloc 2006

I fear there would be no depth to me at all if not for that sinking sensation in my stomach.
-Dralloc 2005

The payoff is in the journey, not the destination.
-Dralloc 2005

People used to be uncomfortable saying the word dam, so they said dyke. When later dyke took a turn for the worst they came back to dam.
-Dralloc 2007

Like you don’t go to sleep feeling dirty every night, afraid to talk to God about it, in the hope that He hasn’t noticed yet.
-Dralloc 2007

Well, I’ve been doing the moral limbo and I’ve been surprised at how low I can go.
-Dralloc 2007

Nothing like going out in public to remind you that you need to diet.
-Dralloc 2007

The sincerest compliment is to value another person’s work as if it were your own.
-Dralloc 2007

Without inspiring the eternal ‘why’ nothing can be learned. For humanity has taught us one certainty. You can tell someone anything, but until they feel, in at least part, the ‘why,’ they will only hear.
-Dralloc 2007, The Value of Good Literature

It’s like giving someone candy to be your friend. They like you, but then they’re suspicious.
-Dralloc 2007

A person’s contribution to society is self. There is no greater gift than who you are.
-Dralloc 2007

Grammatically it’s fine, but linguistically it’s hideous.
-Dralloc 2007

I try to make up in charm what I lack in sincerity.
-Dralloc 2007

If humanity could reach to God in Heaven, one  resounding question would ensue: What the hell?
-Dralloc 2007

Are you seriously going to have your feelings hurt because someone doesn't like you, when you don't even like yourself?
-Dralloc 2007

Not everyone can write down to us and I’m grateful to those who can.
-Dralloc 2007

I just love literature. It makes me feel smart, is endlessly challenging, deeply insightful and each line reflects a truer image of self.
-Dralloc 2007

Knowledge is not power, belief is.
-Dralloc 2007

For this reason literature becomes both deeper and more vague. When we find or understand a meaningful truth, it is not found in the story, but reflected from within us, like a book of mirrors. Each page reflecting the truths of a changing self.
-Dralloc 2007

God does not rule by fear, but by truth.
-Dralloc 2007

The same force that drives them can make them lame.
-Dralloc 2006

An eternal perspective makes mistakes into opportunity. Not that opportunity hadn't already existed there, but that it takes a blow to the eye for many to take a step back and look around at what they're facing.
-Dralloc 2005

Discouragement is the manifestation of my belief that I will fail. Depression is the state of accepting failure as truth.
-Dralloc 2005

Nobody is the villain of their own story.
-Dralloc 2004

Many will say that it's not a miracle unless a natural force acts out of its nature, like the red sea parting or water flowing from solid rock, but I tell you that when you've been down a road as many times as I have and seen what natural events follow. It is a miracle...
-Dralloc 2004

When it comes to getting into Heaven I hope that God judges on the little things. Because if it comes down to the big stuff I don't think I'll make it.
-Dralloc 2006

Sometimes when you win an argument you loose.
-Dralloc 2006

I must learn to allow people time to learn. the greatest teacher is a hunter and a fisher of teaching moments, hunting the right time to say and do the correct thing, bating the line with wisdom and allowing the appetiet to build. the best teacher does not impose upon another's agency, but waits eagerly for their yeaning.
-Dralloc 2006

Because it's who I should be and I'm tired off being disappointed in myself.
-Dralloc 2006

Don't leave teeth marks. Just let them know that you're interested
-Dralloc 2005

The difference between influence and manipulation is that manipulation robs personal integrity while influence builds strength within the individual.
-Dralloc 2005

My greatest problem is liking myself. My greatest sin is self-condemnation. If I but learn to like myself I think I'd have a far easier time repenting of my greatest sin.
-Dralloc 2005

You will not touch another’s soul without sharing a part of your own.
-Dralloc 2004

I don't want to linger on this. I'm afraid of what I might discover.
-Dralloc 2007

It's amazing to me how many deep things in life are hollow.
-Dralloc 2007

And my your knowledge be crowned with wisdom.
-Dralloc 2003

The way to subdue the most capable person is to distract him with his own vice. The way to develop his best self is to geared about him his greatest gifts. The way to empower him is to enclose about him truth.
-Dralloc 2006, "A Few Good Minutes"

In times of strength prepare for times of weakness.
-Dralloc 2006, "A Few Good Minutes"

Patience and wisdom precede the attainment of greatness.
-Dralloc 2006, "A Few Good Minutes"

Knowing who you are gives you the power to act as you should.
-Dralloc 2006, "A Few Good Minutes"

Thought and Power are one in the same way that cause and effect are one. Some might argue that a person may choose their actions, but they cannot choose the results of those actions. That is like saying 'sure he pulled the  trigger, but how was he to know that the gun would fire?' There exists an absolute cause and effect.
-Dralloc 2006, "A Few Good Minutes"

The way to subdue the most capable person is to distract him with his own vice.
-Dralloc 2006, "A Few Good Minutes"

A person's reality is made up of both their present and their history. No two people sharing a separate history can experience the same event, the same grief, the same pain. For this reason we strive for understanding. For this reason we sincerely disagree.
-Dralloc 2007

The world chooses to see itself in black and white, but it is not in its staggering numbers or the strength of its defiance, that evil holds its power. It is in the simplest subtleties or the vagueness at which it regards itself. It has never been difficult to make the right choice when right and wrong were spelled out, only when uncertainty shadows your every thought.
-Dralloc 2005

Insecurity erodes away slowly at love until it is replaced with dependency.
-Dralloc 2004

Dieting with Bryana:
Her diet’s really strict; she only eats things she likes.
-Mark D. Collard

Mayonnaise & Miracle Whip:
I’m pretty sure it’s the same stuff. It’s just that when it goes bad they call it Miracle whip and then they resell it.
-Aaron C. Bell

Free Time:
Women do lots of stuff instead of sports. They used to scrapbook, now they blog. Before that they churned butter.
-Kurt Collard

Feeling Defensive?
Hey, I’ve been brushing me teeth! She only made me once. I did it twice on my own.
-Mark D. Collard

Loosing the Will to Live:
Can you die of abstinence? It might be fatal; it feels fatal.
-Kurt Collard

Virginity:
Abstinence is the bane of my existence.
-Kurt Collard

Self-Served:
You know what’s great about this salad? No lettuce!
-J. David Collard

Sabbath day Sports:
Yeah, they canceled church this week. -Kurt; No they didn’t. We’re getting a new bishop this week. -‘kenzie; No, they are. They’re having it next week instead. -Kevin; And it’ll be twice as long! Two hours instead of the usual one. -Aaron
-Kurt, ‘kenzie, Kevin & Aaron

Bordom and Eternity:
Do you ever think that God just does stuff to mess with their faith, just to make it hard?
-Christopher George Albrecht

Dairy:
I’ve just got this thing about eating foods where I’m the second one to digest it.
-J. David Collard

Abstinence:
My hormones deserve more whores and more moans than they’re getting.
-Kevin D. Bell

Marriage:
No sex and no jokes. Sounds like church.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Secret to Attraction:
The day that women started wearing sented lotions was pivotal in youth dating. Some of them smell like fruit smoothies! “Love Spell”? More like “Sweet Tooth”! But what they don’t seem to understand is that if you smell like candy, you only attract fat guys.
-Kurt Collard

Passion:
All men love boobs, but only real boobs love us back.
-Kurt Collard

An Explanation:
Well, it just comes off as bossy, when you tell people what to do.
-Kurt Collard

Culinary Masterpiece:
Cooking is the art of warming up.
-J. Steven Collard

Achieving Godhood:
I was telling Kasi how I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to bring children into this awful world, and then I thought: Well, we are trying to be more like our Father in heaven, so maybe I should have a bunch of kids and then ignore them.
-Aaron C. Bell

The Sweet Taste of Mortality:
Sometimes I wonder what my nieces were thinking just before they came down to this earth. Where they like: "Yippee", or "Ah crap." I mean the first thing that happens is they get a slap on the bottom like “Welcome, there’s your first taste of the life to come."
-Aaron C. Bell

Institute:
What’s a wino? -Nameless idiot; Huge smelly animal, big horn. Come on! -Kurt
-Kurt & Nameless Institute Rat

The Impossible Gospel:
Jesus said ‘love everyone.’ but I can’t even like ‘em.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Bread:
‘I always make sure they’re soft. I never bring out hard ones.’ -Aaron; ‘That’s what she said.’ -Steven
-Aaron Bell & Steven Collard

Nicknames:
You can call me either “Killer” or “Puddins.” I’ll answer to either one.
-J David Collard

The Heart of a Warrior:
What weapons? Like a battle axe? -Kurt; Na, I’ll probably just use a gun, so I don’t have to get too sweaty. -Bio
-Christopher G. Albrecht & Kurt Collard

Pro-Wrestling:
It’s a Soap Opera for men!
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Ice-Coffee & Hot Drinks:
God’s sight is only heat sensitive, so you’re good.
-Kurt Collard

Thinning out the herd:
I mean think about it. We’re loosing a TON of pretty girls to obesity.
-Kevin D. Bell

Sex:
I’m worried about the sweat. In fact I often wonder if perhaps we shouldn’t have a LARGE master bedroom with two beds. One is the master bed and the other is the Master-Bedder. That’d be across from the Master-Bather.
-Kurt Collard

Keeping the Sabbath:
The leading cause of my poor priesthood attendance is Sunday School! They make you sit through that and then expect you to keep going.
-Aaron C. Bell

A bit too honest?
I’ve been adding some color to my cheeks by rafting naked all day! Be home Sunday.     -Aaron C. Bell

Does size matter?
What’s with the tiny balloon? -Ryan; You’re tellin’ me. (Pause) He’s a grower, not a shower. -Kate; What the heck! -Ryan
-Ryan & Kate Hellewell

Geography:
So, are you from WESTconsin? -Kate; Yeah, is there a NORTHconsin? -Steven
-Kate Hellewell & J. Steven Collard

Disappointment:
What’s the point of Sugar free cotton candy? You’re just sucking on a paper stick.
-J. Steven Collard

An evening at the Bells:
Farts are liquid laughter in its gaseous state.
-Kurt Collard

Texting Kurt:
I’m home. Have fun. I love you too Mom.
-Bio G. Albrecht

Zohan:
Despite all of the hetero innuendo, we are all a little gayer for having seen that...
-Kurt Collard

Soccer:
A tie may be a win for both teams, but it’s a loss for the fans.
-Kevin D. Bell

Running someone over by pushing the gas instead of the break:
It’s just really sad when natural selection gets the wrong one.
-Aaron C. Bell

Reprimand:
Stop that! I know what you’re doing. (Pause) Wait, you don’t know what you’re doing.
-Kasi Olson

Another inconvenient truth:
Too much faith is being naive.
-Bio G. Albrecht

The apology:
I’m not trying to be a bitch, I just am.
-Kasi Olson

The long weekend:
I got Monday off and I got my pantsess off!
-J. David Collard

Tough Love:
I don’t want to knock this guy, but I think he’s an idiot.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Incentive:
Religion is like Santa Clause of adults. ‘Be good, or no presents in the after life.’
-Kevin D. Bell

Warnings:
You might want to duck; I’m not very good at throwing things.
-Brett K.

Being late:
It’s a good thing we didn’t tell them six, they might have missed the fireworks.
-Kate Hellewell

Neither are our ways His ways:
Singing is the worst part of church. -Mark; I thought it was the boredom. -Kurt
-Mark & Kurt Collard

Rumors, Excuses and Lies:
These are my ‘R’ rated movies. I’m not hiding them. I just don’t have enough room and I have to cut out a section of something.
-Mom Collard

Sacrament:
Now suddenly they have to break twise as much bread because people can take the sacrament again.
-Kevin D. Bell

Here comes Trouble...
Hey, when I get my motorcycle we’re gonna have to go raise heck. -Steven; Around here we raise Hellewells. -Ryan
-Ryan Hellewell and Steven Collard

A People Person:
Anybody on the freeway ahead of me I hate. Anybody in front of me in line, but other than that I don’t hate people.
-J. David Collard

Saying hello to Colt:
Dang it, you totally aren’t my girlfriend that I just cut off. You do have a nice butt too though.
-Aaron C. Bell

Politically Correct:
African American or Blacks... I don’t call myself Caucasian...
-Sarah D. Hill

Wyatt’s wedding:
They’ll make a cute bride and bride.
-Aaron C. Bell

Salad:
Hey, if you can only eat a little bit, eat the stuff that I don’t like.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Advanced Degree:
One thing they don’t teach you, that I haven’t learned anywhere, is how to spell.
-Christopher George Albrecht

Fathering Children:
Are your kids all up on their shots? -Ian; (shrugs) I don’t know, that’s a woman’s job. -Ryan; Yeah, we just make’em then the women take over. If we run into’em again we eat’em. They’re just competitors on the food chain. -Steven
-Ian, Ryan and Steven

Easter Candy:
All the chocolate’s gone? Hmmm, well it’s just the stuff I feed to my scouts then.
-J. David Collard

Presidential Elections:
It’s because of people like me that they developed the Electoral College, but I think we can all agree that, that has failed.
-Kurt Collard

A kind word:
Jeez Tye, you eat one more ice cream and you’ll be able to rest that glass on your stomach. -Melissa; I can kind of do that already. -Tye
-Tye Harrison and Girl-Aaron

Sabbath day Television:
You make people miserable and they can’t do anything about it, just like God.
-Homer J. Simpson

Play on words:
Puns are fun. -Kurt; Yeah, they’re punny. -Mark; Yup, puns of fun! -Steven; Oh man, is this gonna go on all day? -Bryana
-Kurt, Mark, Steven & Bryana Collard

Damn it all!
We put the “lard” in Collard.
-J. Steven Collard

Casual Sex Friday:
There’s no traffic on the freeway because everyone’s trying to get it on.
-‘kenzie Wintle

Cursed:
[Kevin] you are going to hell. And you are going to be brown there!
-Kasi Olsen

Finder's Keeper's:
Boo, don’t eat it, mine! -Aaron; You hid it in the junk food drawer and thought I wouldn’t find it? -Kevin
-The Brothers Bell

Spaghetti:
Ruffin, I don’t hate noodles! They’re just not a substitute for food.
-J. David Collard

Joke's on you...
There sure are a lot of things God’s not telling us.
-Kevin D. Bell

The ol' water hole:
Yeah, well pee’s a little different than pooh; pee doesn’t float.... So uh, I caught some fish out of there today and ate ‘em... they were brown trout.
-J. Steven Collard

Dudes & Chicks:
Inviting girls to the activity... The down side is that it cuts out the farting, but on the plus side it also cuts down on the gas.
-Kurt N. Collard

Dralloc.com
Hey Ma, listen to this quote... [quote] -Kurt; That was a terrible quote! Where do you get these awful quotes? -Mom; Um, I wrote it. Thanks Mom... -Kurt
-Kurt & his loving mother

The Invite:
Melonie doesn’t want me to. -Well what did you want me to say?- Hold on guys. I’m gonna have to call you back.
-Mark Hill

Teaching in church:
There are a lot of dole people in this church. Just because one of them ridiculed you doesn’t mean that you should feel bad.
-Mark D. Collard

Chick Flicks:
Anytime that one chick and Matthew McConaughey get together something boring’s about to happen.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Shame:
How dare you use ‘kenzie as an excuse to not do something cool?
-Kurt N. Collard

Movies or Church:
You guys don’t understand the commandment. It says ‘keep the Sabbath day holy.” It says nothing about Sunday! We get to chose which day we ‘take holy’ -which has a far more fluid meaning than you guys are giving it.
-Kurt N. Collard

Friendship:
That’s not true. People love my peer pressure!
-Kurt N. Collard

Who's pulling the strings:
Also, if I had puppets, and I don’t, there wouldn’t be mandatory arts and crafts, and all (hot) women would wear bikinis all the time. And it would be WAY more fun than ‘kenzie’s “No soccertennis” puppet show!
-Kurt N. Collard

Temptress:
I told ‘kenzie that she was devil’s spot, but that it was okay because I liked kids :)
-Kurt N. Collard

Idaho Drivers:
That’s the thing about moving to Idaho. It takes six hours to move up there, but nine hours to drive back.
-Kurt N. Collard
 
Institute:
Nothing can make a retard stop burping.
-Kevin D. Bell

Attraction:
Come on [‘kenzie] you can come think the waiters are cute.
-Kevin D. Bell

...the spoken word, the spent arrow...
You should have come... all the waitresses are in bikinis. You would have liked it.
-‘kenzie Wintle

Mother's Intuition:
Yup, I was hungry. Thanks for letting me know (Mommy).
-Mason K. Hellewell

Temptation:
Does heavy porn mean fat chicks? If that is the case then I have no problem avoiding it like the plague. It is the light stuff that is the  concern.
-J. Steven Collard

When times get rough:
Hold on to sex ‘kenzie!
-Kevin D. Bell

Parapraxis:
Hey Bryana, what’s your natural hair color? -Steven; I’m a dirty blonde. -Bryana; I know that, but what’s your hair color? -Steven
-Steven and Bryana

Guys like girls with skills:
I’m actually pretty good and guessing gay.
-‘kenzie

The sum of all fears:
Simple math... Ward of unattractive girls plus ward of unattractive girls equals big ward of unattractive girls.
-Aaron C. Bell

Choir introductions:
... and speaking of dairy cows...
-Kevin D. Bell

Sledding:
Well you tell Kevin that it's cold outside and it's hard to walk uphill.
-Casey S. Corbridge

When nerds love:
I heart you. You are the science vessel of my fleet.
-Wyatt Kennah

Sophistication:
I often think about wearing a pocket watch, but I'm a gym shorts kind of guy.
-Mark

Occupational hazards:
You can always tell a salesman when you see him. There’s just some ora about him. Either he just sinned, or he’s a salesman.
-J. Steven Collard

Well duh:
If you spell boob backward you get boob. I believe there was a creation and perfection in it.
-Wyatt Kennah

Silence following a joke:
What a jerk, she should have more appreciation for ur talents.
-Sarah Hill

Sunday School:
I felt like I ran a marathon, but didn’t burn any calories.
-Kevin D. Bell

God's honest truth:
A body role is only sexy if your body doesn’t have roles.
-J. Steven Collard

Intentions:
I was gonna drive over and stop there on my way home. But I forgot and ended up here instead.
-J David Collard

Deep regrets:
I’m just trying to get through life without hurting anyone very badly. Well, I did break a lot of hearts when I was young and handsome, but that’s just something that I have to live with.
-J. David Collard

Dew-Gooding:
I feel good, but I don’t think it was the service (tapping the can); I think it was the Dew.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Speaking in Church:
Yeah, he didn’t get any laughs the first time, so he rephrased it. Never a good idea.
-J. Steven Collard

BFFs:
Tall blond [with a] short brunette, each one thinks ‘she makes me look hot.’
-Kevin D. Bell

Technology:
I don’t thing she understands how phones work. The trick is that when you talk on the phone you don’t have to talk loud enough for the person to hear you in the other location.
-Mark D. Collard

When good jokes go bad:
Damn dog! -Kurt; Don’t say that, especially about your dog -Mom; It was supposed to be funny. -Kurt; Well it wasn’t -Mom; I’m aware. -Kurt
-Mom and Kurt Collard

E for Effort:
I give you an “E” for E-diota.
-Mark D. Collard

Morality:
Luckily friendship trumps integrity, so...
-Kasi

Been there...
Sometimes when nobody laughs at my joke I assume that they didn’t hear and rephrase it.
-J. Steven Collard

Boys night:
I wouldn't want to watch a romantic movie with any other group of guys.
-Aaron C. Bell

Misquotation:
“I’m en’gay’ged!” -Wyatt; “Ha ha, Wyatt’s gay.” -Sarah; “Kurt, I’ll slap your bottom for this when next I see you!” -Wyatt
-Wyatt, Sarah

Institute:
No, but seriously, who wants to be in heaven with these people?
-Kasi

A test of strength:
You know what sound to make when it hurts.
-Mark D. Collard

Filibuster:
Oh, he didn’t talk in a circle. He never made it all the way around.
-J. David Collard

The Talk:
Does sex make you healthy, like does it burn calories and get you in shape? -Kurt; No, only married sex is good for you. Premarital sex makes you fat. -Ruth
-Collard Family

Impossibility:
I didn’t think I’d ever say it, but I kind of regret eating a hotdog.
-Kevin D. Bell

Chastisement:
Nice sun glasses Mom. -Mark; They’re not sunglasses, they’re solar shields dear. -Ruth
-Collard Family

Commandments:
Is that why they invented tithing, so we wouldn’t be able to have money for beer?
-Kevin D. Bell

Kevin's Porch:
I’d rather sit anywhere than my house. If you’re sitting out, you’re doing something, if you’re at home you’re not doing anything.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Freud:
I’m sick and tired of you lower average intelligence people!
-Jonathan Krummenacher

Threatened Masculinity:
What? Wait! Watch this. I’m gonna go online and kill someone! I want you to know how manly I am.
-Brett Krummenacher

The Sabbath day:
Going with your friends to church for spiritual enlightenment is like hanging out with people from church for social enlightenment.
-Kevin D. Bell

Missed Opportunities:
I think I would inject punk rock into my veins if I could.
-Christopher G. Albrecht

Arrogant Membership:
Yeah, cause we can’t be the only stake in heaven.
-Ruth (Mom) Collard

Naming the Scooter Gang:
Collard clux clan, Boot scooters, Monster hogs or Natural gas.
-J. Steven Collard

Sincerity:
I went over and was being a bitch and they basically told me I was.
-‘kenzie Wintle

Intellect:
You don’t need brain spells to be as smart as am I.
-Aaron C. Bell

Night at the Theater:
What movies have you seen? -Kurt; Just queer ones. -Roger
-Roger Bell and Kurt Collard

Lagoon:
What is it, Trailer park day? -Kasi; Yeah, if you bring a picture of your house you get a discount. -‘kenzie; Bring your house and get in for free. -Aaron
-Inspired by Lagoon

Special Skills:
Ambi-sex-strous
-Mark D. Collard

Good Times:
Partially naked, but full nudity and I can spell all of those words.
-Mark D. Collard

True Use of Magic:
If you’re Harry Potter why would you summon butterbeer when you could have rootbeer floats?
-J. David (Dad) Collard

A Casual Glance:
Kurt, eyes up here.
-Wyatt Kennah

Disappointment:
Replace it with a finger? That would be thoroughly unsatisfying.
-Kasi

Singles Wards:
I know that there are a lot of people here only to get married.
-Kevin D. Bell

The Post-Mission Life:
Rush home ‘nd marry the first female you see ‘nd get started making babies.
-Kevin D. Bell

Motivation:
Let me tell you something: I was my wife’s hometeacher.
-Brother Wever

Commitment:
Not ever again for a little bit.
-Heather Collard

The Return of All Creation:
We’d be gone so fast! ‘Let’s build tools, chomp, chomp, chomp.’
-Aaron C. Bell

Miscommunication:
What! I took my sex home!
-Kasi

To Your Eternal Reward:
We’ll probably be sitting around board, because it is eternity... GLORY OF THE MOON FOR YOU BOY, TERRESTRIAL KINGDOM!!
-Kevin D. Bell

Moms:
If I say something stupid you can assume I meant it cool and then prays me because I’m awesome.
-Ruth Collard

Social issues:
What? Just call her fat and then she won’t want to talk to you anymore.
-Wyatt Kennah

Despair:
For just a moment I thought those two vinegar bottles were rootbeer bottles and I was happy.
-J David Collard

Spouse:
They (the Mormon boys) all want the perfect Molly Mormon right outta the kitchen.
-Kayci

Unexplainable:
I took advantage of Gay Nate when he asked me to come down on him.
-Kurt Collard

Parenting:
We can watch anything we want on TV and we don’t have to worry about what Kingdom we’re going to.
-Unknown Family...

The creative mind:
If ever you find that you’ve been kidnapped and returned safely, it didn’t happen... Na, I can see a little crazy in all of us.
-Mark D. Collard

Third:
He’s one of the one thirds. Damn one thirds!
-Bio

Adorable:
I love angry Asians!
-Aaron Bell

Birthday gifts:
What should I get Wyatt for his birthday? -Randi; A wedgie or a squirrel tap. I'm getting him a wet willy! -Kurt; You’re less help than Kevin! -Randi; Doubt that. -Kurt; Seriously, what did you get Wyatt for his birthday? Kevin said gum. -Randi; I seriously didn’t get him anything, but if you talk to Kevin again, ask him if he wants to go halvesies with me on that gum. -Kurt
-Kurt 'n Randi

Feminism:
Astronomy? [No] thanks, I’ll stick to arts and crafts.
-Brian Weeks

Promiscuity:
Wait, what does that mean? I mean I know what that word means, but what do you mean?
-Ruth (Mom) Collard

Politics:
The liberal shows are funnier. -Brian; That’s because you don’t have to take them serious. -Aaron H.
-Brian Weeks; Aaron Hubbard

Texting:
No more unprotected text.
-Ginger Franzen

Physique:
Well, if going on a mission was social death, is returning from your mission like being resurrected? -Ruth Collard; Well, sort of. I mean, I’ve already got my perfect body, but I’m still waiting on my glory.
-J. Steven Collard

Dieting:
Diets are for losers. You don’t want to lose. You want to win. That is what I am doing. I am winning weight.
-J. Steven Collard

Good food and good friends:
You’ve got the choice between good food and ‘kenzie, what do you do? -Randi; I’m trying to find a way to combine the two. If I could just eat ‘kenzie. -Kevin
-Cousins Bell & Bell-ish

Heavenly Mother:
I created your spirits and I can just as easily destroy them!
-Kevin D. Bell

Morality:
It’s not polygamy if it’s family.
-J. Steven Collard

Dating:
She talks as much as I do! -Kurt; You’ll never find one like that. If that’s one of your priorities you might as well be gay. -Steven
-Collard Brothers

Drinking:
Sure Kurt, [it wasn’t your fault]. Next time order vodka and see if they accidently bring you one.
-Kevin D. Bell

Quoting:
Is that actually true, [text messages] get stuck in satellites? (Laughter) You’re going to quote me? He lied to me. That should be a better quote!
-Ruth (Mom) Collard

Youth:
When you were little you weren’t big.
-Ruth (Mom) Collard

Virginity:
I’m the only one who’s not still a virgin. -Steven; Feel left out don’t you. -Kurt; We’ve got our own club, with a few other people our age and children. -Mark
-Collard brothers

Motherly love:
Maybe he wanted to talk about sex with his brothers and he can’t you two better get married soon to help a brother out. You can still live at home, if you want.
-Ruth (Mom) Collard

Action:
I have to say again: Good work last night, though in some respects I guess you were puttin’ out instead of gettin’ some.
-Kurt Collard 2007

Morals:
Use'em or loose'em.
-Brian J. Weeks

Alcohol:
Alcohol makes me pee.
-Brian J. Weeks

SuperMan:
After describing the bullet smashing into SuperMan's eye, with the bullet and shell falling to the ground together: "Did he blink? That usually makes me blink"
-J. David Collard

Tears:
Okay, you didn’t cry, but you had watery discharge from your optical sensory units.
-Kevin D. Bell 2007

Hometeaching:
You can't spiritually feed someone on an empty stomach.
-Tye B Harrison 2006

Confidence:
The difference between confidence and cocky is that a confident person builds up those around him because he is great with them, while a cocky person tares down those around him because he is only great in comparison to them.
-Tye B Harrison 2003

Parents:
Dad, you like look like a cute old man in a wheel chair that nobody's pushed around for a while.
-Ruth Collard 2006

Dialog:
Dave, all of those words are on your list of words you can't say.
-Ruth Collard 2006

Advice:
Advice is generally worth its weight in gold, nothing.
-Mark D. Collard 2005

Relationships:
I had to break up with my girlfriend for religious reasons. I'm a Mormon and she's a bitch, so it wasn't working out.
-Ian D. Van Natter 2006

Optimism:
It's common knowledge that saying a glass is half empty is being pessimistic, but is it pessimistic or optimistic to say that a girl is half naked?
-Mark D. Collard 2006

Alcohol:
Nothing like a little poison to put the mind at ease.
-Ian D. Van Natter 2006

Internetting:
How many of us would sincerely kneel before a golden calf? Not one of us.  We wouldn't even bat an eye at it. We've got something else to bat an eye at.
-Christopher G. Albrecht (Bio) 2006

Drugs:
There are a lot of rumors around about marijuana, but if anything my memory has improved.
J. Ian Beck 2006

Television:
Every channel another chapter in the world's best book.
-J. Steven Collard 2002

Success:
It's great to see people succeed, but it's better to watch them fail.
-C. Kyler Smith 2007

Reality:
Sometimes I do and say things that compromise my intelligence.
-Casey S. Corbridge 2002

Church attendance:
I've been doing my best and then Satan countered with the worst lesson ever!
-Kevin D. Bell 2007

Friendship:
When you bring in outsiders you become an outsider.
-Christopher G. Albrecht 2006

The Gospel:
I'm sick of having a testimony and a conscience and I'm mad about all that the plan of salvation requires that you do.
Christopher G. Albrecht 2005

Affection:
Bastard
-Aaron C. Bell 2006

Hally Berry:
That's the type of movie you watch on mute.
Aaron Hubbard 2006